The End of an Era

This is a special 2 part blog post. As some of you may know I will be turning 30 this week. I've spent a lot of time over the past few weeks trying to prepare myself and trying to brainstorm a portrait to encompass this milestone.

Last Friday I was lying in bed reflecting on this past period of my life when it hit; the feelings of failure, the harsh reality of another decade gone by. The sheer panic of the fact that I am nowhere near where I thought I’d be. I compared myself to other people my age and stressed because my life and accomplishments weren't the same. I’m not married, I don’t own my own home, I don’t have a career therefore I felt I must be a failure. But were these really the goals I had set for myself 10 years ago?

To answer that question I decided to go back and revisit the past decade. I spent an evening reading every journal entry I had written since I graduated high school. To my extreme surprise, not once had I mentioned needing to attain any of those goals by the time I turned 30. It was also while reading my journals that the idea for this special blog post entered my mind. I had noticed that there were certain words and phrases in my entries that I used constantly. 

This week’s post is dedicated to revisiting my 20s. Though it’s hard to age and move on there is a part of me that is glad to let this past decade go. My 20s were full of struggle, conflict, doubt, frustration, not to mention 7 very intense years dedicated to working and going to school. I’m 

allowing you a peak at the phrases from my journal that have seemed to define this decade of my life.

Next week I will examine 30 from the other side of it. I will show myself just how far I've come and examine where I hope to go. For now I will live these last few moments of my 20s and enjoy them while I can. And I will do my very best to look forward to and embrace the next decade of my life instead of re-treating from it with my tail between my legs.

So a toast to my 20’s and all the amazing people I've met (because there were plenty!) and the wonderful experiences I've had along the way! 

In case you're having trouble reading the photo here's what it says:

I’m trapped in an endless circle. I’m stuck, unable to control my own life and destiny. Time passes yet nothing seems to change. Am I destined to a life of mediocrity and customer service? I fantasize about something more, something different. I wish I had the courage to break free. My self-doubt is too powerful a force that can not be reconciled. I’m waiting for inspiration. Is it wrong that I’m looking for something more meaningful? So many expectations to live up to. Who came up with them anyway? Who said you have to live your life this way and if you don’t you’ll be labeled a failure or an outcast? What is my dream? The only thing that I have figured out is that I have absolutely NOTHING figured out!

 

The Making Of...

Over the past few months I have had quite a few questions about how I make my self-portraits. So for this post I’ve decided to divulge your curiosity and let you take a peek at my process. It’s far from simple and each portrait takes hours to complete.

CONCEPT:

First step is to come up with an idea. I try to focus on a goal I've set or reached or a lesson I've learned during the past week. Then I begin to plan how I want to show that through my portrait.

MAKE UP:

For every portrait I have made specific choices for my hair and make-up. In my Let It Go portrait I chose to wear no make-up as I wanted to look natural and vulnerable. For Cracks, on the other hand, I spent a lot of time making my skin pale and experimenting with different styles for my lips.

LIGHTING:

One of the hardest parts of this process is attempting to light myself. I don’t have a stand in so needless to say it can be very frustrating at times! I also don’t use the same lighting set up for each photo either. One of my goals with this project was to try different styles and experiment with lighting. Each set up I chose has a specific purpose that range from creating mood to just being functional. In my portrait Wings I used my studio lights to illuminate my face then wrapped Christmas lights around my arms and used a long shutter speed to create the wings.

MODEL:

I am of course the model for each picture. Every portrait has had a specific pose that I planned out and practiced ahead of time. I even keep a mirror in my studio that I use for last minute changes. Often I try to prop it up in front of the portrait so I can get an idea of what the camera is seeing. Even with all the planning I never get it right the first time and constantly have to tweak things.

PHOTOGRAPHER:

While being the model I’m also the photographer. Needless to say there’s a lot going on in my head while I’m doing a photo-shoot. I’m trying to strike a pose, get a specific expression on my face, and make sure the lighting it catching me properly. The process of photographing myself involves a camera on a tripod, a remote trigger, and me constantly having to run back and forth to check that things are looking good in the camera. In the end, the act of taking the photo is the smallest part of this process!

POST PRODUCTION:

There’s plenty of work to be done after the actual photo-shoot is over. Many of my images are composites (like the one in this post)! Putting them together takes time and is very detail oriented. After the image is composited and retouched I put on the finishing touches such as adding texture or digitally painting parts of the photo.

WRITING:

The last part of this process is writing the post and uploading it for all of you to enjoy!

Here's a peek into my studio to see what goes on behind the scenes...

This Moment

One of the things that has always been a struggle for me is learning to live in the moment. I think as a society we are obsessed with what’s to come, that we forget to pause and enjoy the present. I look back on my life and think of so many situations that I didn't appreciate until after they were over. While I was in them I was either too busy focusing on the negative or thinking about what was next.

I recognize that I have found myself in a very unique situation. I’m living alone in an amazing place. I know this won’t last forever but I’m making a pact with myself to enjoy every moment of it. I want to enjoy the fact that I can sing in the shower as loudly as I want and not have to worry about bothering anyone. I want to embrace the fact that I can go downstairs and tap dance any time I want, even if it’s 2 in the morning.  I want to hold on to the feelings of liberation and freedom as much as I can.

The same thing goes for my job. I’m lucky to work in a such a unique place. Many people ask me if I would want to continue working in the animal industry but the honest answer is no because I know that I will find another hospital like the one I’m at. The Doctors are all willing to take the time and show me new and interesting things. The rest of the staff has always been so welcoming and down to earth. Every day is full of laughter. Again I know there will be a day when I have to move on but right now, in this moment, I want to embrace and enjoy every second that passes.

So here's to you present, and all of the unique opportunities you've given me...