Cracks

Vulnerability- I use to think it was a bad trait, that it made me weak. However, over this past month I've come to realize it’s not such a bad thing. The fact that we open ourselves up to be hurt and rejected takes a huge amount of courage. It’s even more courageous if we've been hurt in the past as we already know the pain that’s in store if we fail. And if I've learned anything it’s no matter how much heartache and rejection you may experience, it sure does not make it any easier.

I am proud of my vulnerability. I have failed a lot and I have been hurt a lot yet I still continue to open myself up and try. Every failure or rejection is like a crack but I wear them like a badge of courage. I've recognized the need to take time and patch myself back up. The cracks and chips may still be there but once the pain ebbs away what’s left is insight. All this by no means makes it any easier to put my heart on the line but it helps me have faith that one day the risk will pay off.

When I get old and gray, I may look back on my life and see a lot of heartache and failure but I’ll also see that I put myself out there and tried as much as possible. At least I won’t sit and wonder “what if?” and “what would have happened?” It’s better to try and fail then to not try at all. 

Them's Fightin' Words

Confidence, what can I say? It’s easy to loose and ridiculously hard to get back. This past year certainly beat my confidence down to next to nothing. Rebuilding it has been one of the biggest challenges so far. It’s so easy to see our faults and so much harder to celebrate our strengths.

I recognize that I still have a way to go however in the past few weeks the moments where I did feel confident in myself have increased. In those moments I feel truly empowered, like I could take on anything. I try to hold onto that feeling even when I’m feeling unsure.

This week’s entry is short and sweet but again I think the photo says it all. This is exactly how I feel in those moments when I can take on the world and nothing can get me down.

The Wind

During my journey there has been one decision that I can’t seem to make. I try to keep pushing it away yet it keeps coming back. Every time it resurfaces it’s like this force that pushes me back, trying to undo the hard work I've put into the past month. For weeks now I've been fighting against it.

Over the last few days however I realized that fighting it might not be the answer. Perhaps I should relinquish some control and let it take me where it wants. It would be a real lesson in not only letting go but also having faith that everything happens for a reason.

This past week I've also learned that though asking others for advice can be helpful, in the end only I am responsible to make my decisions. There is power in figuring out the solutions to your own problems alone. In the end if you can’t trust yourself then who can you trust?

Life is a Battlefield

I've been putting this blog post off a little bit as I found it difficult to write, especially since I think the photo pretty much says it all.

Lately I feel as though I've been battling myself. My head and my heart want two completely different things. I don’t know which to listen to. Constantly I go back and forth between them. It’s frustrating because I’m not one to flip flop on issues.

I use to be someone that really listened to my intuition. Lately however I feel like it’s on holiday. Nothing “feels” right anymore. I can’t seem to get a good read on anything! Without my intuition I feel lost and uncertain.

In light of my uncertainty I've been trying to celebrate the small victories. A few weeks ago I drew up a list of goals to complete before the New Year. I've already checked a few things off. I’m hoping this week will find another item crossed off. I’m trying to remind myself that every step I take and every decision made will have a positive influence on my future.

Let It Go

I feel like this portrait, while totally awesome, is a false representation of my current state of mind. This past week my assignment was to learn to let things go. I can not say that I succeeded.

The past two months especially have been filled with a plethora of pain, rejection, betrayal, anger, disappointment and heart ache. Every day I carry around these negative emotions. In theory, letting them go seems so simple. Why would anyone want to be weighed down by all those destructive thoughts and feelings? How can I ever move forward if I allow myself to remain tethered to the past by such negativity? Yet lately I seem to struggle to “let it go.” Perhaps I find some kind of security in it all. It would mean to let go of the things that I planned and dreamed for. To let go of the hurt that remains would truly signify the end of it all.

Part of the reason why I understand the importance of letting go is because there are moments where I have felt the amazing freedom in doing so. When I get lost in a creative project or when I’m playing a piece of music, the world drops away. In those moments I feel truly liberated and this portrait demonstrates the significance of that.

Letting it go is a lesson that will take me some time to learn but it’s one that I will continue to work at.