Limbo

I’m not sure why but these past few weeks I feel like I've been just spinning my wheels. Perhaps it’s that the big 30 is still looming on my mind. The pressure to make life changing decisions is on my brain every day which is a heavy thought to carry around.

The question is where do I go when I've lost sight of my path? How do I find my way back to it again? I find myself constantly debating between dreams and reality. A friend told me that not making a choice is still making a choice and she’s right. Until I decide which direction I want to go in I’ll just be stuck here, floating in limbo. 

So it's time to refocus and see if I can fuse my dreams with reality. 

Bird by Bird

It took a little longer than expected but here is part 2 of my post about turning 30. 

On the other side of 30 and I’m doing my best to push aside the trepidation and fear. Instead I’m focusing on the positive and exciting things that are to come. Many people have said they find their 30s one of the best time of their lives. I’m hoping this will be true.

A co-worker had written in my birthday card that your 20s are for goofing around, your 30s are for wisdom, and the best is yet to come. A simple sentiment perhaps but there’s comfort to be found in those words. There’s also insight. It helped me realize why turning 30 was so scary; it’s at this time that you really start asking yourself the bigger questions such as “Who am I?” “Where am I going?” and “What am I doing with my life?”

Though I am still working to answer many of these questions I am also making sure that I don’t look past my own accomplishments and self-growth that I’ve achieved over the past few months. Right now my goal is to continue to strive to live in the moment and grow as an individual, and just take it bird by bird. 

In case you can’t read the journal entry it says:

I can see a little clearer and I feel slightly closer to my destiny. I need to make something of myself. I need to do something big. For my whole life I’ve been playing an insignificant part but now it’s time to change my role. It’s amazing how everything can change. It’s like I was asleep for years and I’m finally awakening to the possibilities in the world around me. I’m tasting happiness again. Can it really be like this? Can it be more than just a cookie? In the past there’s been so much conflict within myself but this is different. To my heart it seems so simple and clear. To my heart it feels like breathing. 

The End of an Era

This is a special 2 part blog post. As some of you may know I will be turning 30 this week. I've spent a lot of time over the past few weeks trying to prepare myself and trying to brainstorm a portrait to encompass this milestone.

Last Friday I was lying in bed reflecting on this past period of my life when it hit; the feelings of failure, the harsh reality of another decade gone by. The sheer panic of the fact that I am nowhere near where I thought I’d be. I compared myself to other people my age and stressed because my life and accomplishments weren't the same. I’m not married, I don’t own my own home, I don’t have a career therefore I felt I must be a failure. But were these really the goals I had set for myself 10 years ago?

To answer that question I decided to go back and revisit the past decade. I spent an evening reading every journal entry I had written since I graduated high school. To my extreme surprise, not once had I mentioned needing to attain any of those goals by the time I turned 30. It was also while reading my journals that the idea for this special blog post entered my mind. I had noticed that there were certain words and phrases in my entries that I used constantly. 

This week’s post is dedicated to revisiting my 20s. Though it’s hard to age and move on there is a part of me that is glad to let this past decade go. My 20s were full of struggle, conflict, doubt, frustration, not to mention 7 very intense years dedicated to working and going to school. I’m 

allowing you a peak at the phrases from my journal that have seemed to define this decade of my life.

Next week I will examine 30 from the other side of it. I will show myself just how far I've come and examine where I hope to go. For now I will live these last few moments of my 20s and enjoy them while I can. And I will do my very best to look forward to and embrace the next decade of my life instead of re-treating from it with my tail between my legs.

So a toast to my 20’s and all the amazing people I've met (because there were plenty!) and the wonderful experiences I've had along the way! 

In case you're having trouble reading the photo here's what it says:

I’m trapped in an endless circle. I’m stuck, unable to control my own life and destiny. Time passes yet nothing seems to change. Am I destined to a life of mediocrity and customer service? I fantasize about something more, something different. I wish I had the courage to break free. My self-doubt is too powerful a force that can not be reconciled. I’m waiting for inspiration. Is it wrong that I’m looking for something more meaningful? So many expectations to live up to. Who came up with them anyway? Who said you have to live your life this way and if you don’t you’ll be labeled a failure or an outcast? What is my dream? The only thing that I have figured out is that I have absolutely NOTHING figured out!

 

The Making Of...

Over the past few months I have had quite a few questions about how I make my self-portraits. So for this post I’ve decided to divulge your curiosity and let you take a peek at my process. It’s far from simple and each portrait takes hours to complete.

CONCEPT:

First step is to come up with an idea. I try to focus on a goal I've set or reached or a lesson I've learned during the past week. Then I begin to plan how I want to show that through my portrait.

MAKE UP:

For every portrait I have made specific choices for my hair and make-up. In my Let It Go portrait I chose to wear no make-up as I wanted to look natural and vulnerable. For Cracks, on the other hand, I spent a lot of time making my skin pale and experimenting with different styles for my lips.

LIGHTING:

One of the hardest parts of this process is attempting to light myself. I don’t have a stand in so needless to say it can be very frustrating at times! I also don’t use the same lighting set up for each photo either. One of my goals with this project was to try different styles and experiment with lighting. Each set up I chose has a specific purpose that range from creating mood to just being functional. In my portrait Wings I used my studio lights to illuminate my face then wrapped Christmas lights around my arms and used a long shutter speed to create the wings.

MODEL:

I am of course the model for each picture. Every portrait has had a specific pose that I planned out and practiced ahead of time. I even keep a mirror in my studio that I use for last minute changes. Often I try to prop it up in front of the portrait so I can get an idea of what the camera is seeing. Even with all the planning I never get it right the first time and constantly have to tweak things.

PHOTOGRAPHER:

While being the model I’m also the photographer. Needless to say there’s a lot going on in my head while I’m doing a photo-shoot. I’m trying to strike a pose, get a specific expression on my face, and make sure the lighting it catching me properly. The process of photographing myself involves a camera on a tripod, a remote trigger, and me constantly having to run back and forth to check that things are looking good in the camera. In the end, the act of taking the photo is the smallest part of this process!

POST PRODUCTION:

There’s plenty of work to be done after the actual photo-shoot is over. Many of my images are composites (like the one in this post)! Putting them together takes time and is very detail oriented. After the image is composited and retouched I put on the finishing touches such as adding texture or digitally painting parts of the photo.

WRITING:

The last part of this process is writing the post and uploading it for all of you to enjoy!

Here's a peek into my studio to see what goes on behind the scenes...

This Moment

One of the things that has always been a struggle for me is learning to live in the moment. I think as a society we are obsessed with what’s to come, that we forget to pause and enjoy the present. I look back on my life and think of so many situations that I didn't appreciate until after they were over. While I was in them I was either too busy focusing on the negative or thinking about what was next.

I recognize that I have found myself in a very unique situation. I’m living alone in an amazing place. I know this won’t last forever but I’m making a pact with myself to enjoy every moment of it. I want to enjoy the fact that I can sing in the shower as loudly as I want and not have to worry about bothering anyone. I want to embrace the fact that I can go downstairs and tap dance any time I want, even if it’s 2 in the morning.  I want to hold on to the feelings of liberation and freedom as much as I can.

The same thing goes for my job. I’m lucky to work in a such a unique place. Many people ask me if I would want to continue working in the animal industry but the honest answer is no because I know that I will find another hospital like the one I’m at. The Doctors are all willing to take the time and show me new and interesting things. The rest of the staff has always been so welcoming and down to earth. Every day is full of laughter. Again I know there will be a day when I have to move on but right now, in this moment, I want to embrace and enjoy every second that passes.

So here's to you present, and all of the unique opportunities you've given me...

Online Predator

I've been neglecting my blog! January is always a busy month for me and for that I'm glad. For most of us January brings with it snow, cold, and seasonal depression. I know every year I trudge through these first few months trying to remember what warmth and sun are. The one bright spot however is January does bring with it some of the best art shows of the year. I'm excited that my "Let Go" portrait has been accepted into the Slater Art Show in Norwich. The show runs from February 8th to March 20th. 

My all-time favorite show however is the Salon Des Independents hosted by the Hygienic Art Gallery in New London. It’s done in the spirit of the original Salon Des Independents which began in Paris in 1884.The original group of artists started this tradition because they needed a way to present their works to the public independently rather than use traditional galleries that rejected them or put restrictions on their work. Artists such as George Seurat, Henri Matisse, and even Vincent van Gogh participated in the shows throughout the years.

The rules are simple: anyone can enter one thing. There are no rules, no judge, and no censorship. Needless to say every year you find some interesting and memorable pieces. The very first year I entered I remember showing up and the first thing I saw was a gigantic bra made out of the cardboard hanging on the wall. I knew instantly this was the show for me! This will be my sixth year participating and I've spent the last week putting the finishing touches on this year’s entry. I always aim to do something a little silly and outside of the box. So here it is: “Online Predator.”

The show starts at 8pm on Saturday January 31 and runs to Saturday February 14^th. Stop by and see all the amazing, creative, and strange entries! It’s always a memorable show.

Inner Monologue

Another week down and another lesson learned. My assignment this week was to recognize the achievements of the past few months. It’s so easy for me to get wrapped up in tomorrow that I forget to take a moment to see what I have accomplished today. So I will take a moment and acknowledge my achievements.

Examining ones inner (and outer) self is one of the hardest things to do in life because often you don’t like what you find. I know I certainly didn't. I recently read an article that stated when polled a majority of people admitted that they’d rather do anything other than be alone with their own thoughts and feelings. For the past few months I've been doing a lot of that and I can confidently say if I survived hearing my own inner monologue then I can survive pretty much anything.

My fears and self-doubt are still there but I do feel more confident in my ability to fight back against them. In the end I am proud of whom I’m becoming and while I may acknowledge my fear I refuse to let it control my life. I will continue to fight for me.

Wings

A new year means a clean slate and new beginnings. I’m determined to make this year amazing. For so long I waited for someone to fix my life but what I now realize is that only I have the power to change it. So where does one begin? Well first I needed to find out what was holding me back. It turns out it's myself. 

Recently I've been trying to find ways to confront and control the things that tend to hold me back such as fear and anxiety. It is so true that I am my own worst enemy and get in my own way. Once my mind gets going forget it, I get sucked into a spiral of self-doubt and anxiety. For the past few weeks I've been experimenting with different techniques and tools to help control and battle these negative thoughts and feelings. As of now I've tried meditation, kickboxing, various brain games, learning German, and even learning to tap dance. It’s my hope that having these tools and distractions at my disposal will give me wings to rise above the fear and anxiety that threatens to control my life.