Cracks

Vulnerability- I use to think it was a bad trait, that it made me weak. However, over this past month I've come to realize it’s not such a bad thing. The fact that we open ourselves up to be hurt and rejected takes a huge amount of courage. It’s even more courageous if we've been hurt in the past as we already know the pain that’s in store if we fail. And if I've learned anything it’s no matter how much heartache and rejection you may experience, it sure does not make it any easier.

I am proud of my vulnerability. I have failed a lot and I have been hurt a lot yet I still continue to open myself up and try. Every failure or rejection is like a crack but I wear them like a badge of courage. I've recognized the need to take time and patch myself back up. The cracks and chips may still be there but once the pain ebbs away what’s left is insight. All this by no means makes it any easier to put my heart on the line but it helps me have faith that one day the risk will pay off.

When I get old and gray, I may look back on my life and see a lot of heartache and failure but I’ll also see that I put myself out there and tried as much as possible. At least I won’t sit and wonder “what if?” and “what would have happened?” It’s better to try and fail then to not try at all. 

Them's Fightin' Words

Confidence, what can I say? It’s easy to loose and ridiculously hard to get back. This past year certainly beat my confidence down to next to nothing. Rebuilding it has been one of the biggest challenges so far. It’s so easy to see our faults and so much harder to celebrate our strengths.

I recognize that I still have a way to go however in the past few weeks the moments where I did feel confident in myself have increased. In those moments I feel truly empowered, like I could take on anything. I try to hold onto that feeling even when I’m feeling unsure.

This week’s entry is short and sweet but again I think the photo says it all. This is exactly how I feel in those moments when I can take on the world and nothing can get me down.

The Wind

During my journey there has been one decision that I can’t seem to make. I try to keep pushing it away yet it keeps coming back. Every time it resurfaces it’s like this force that pushes me back, trying to undo the hard work I've put into the past month. For weeks now I've been fighting against it.

Over the last few days however I realized that fighting it might not be the answer. Perhaps I should relinquish some control and let it take me where it wants. It would be a real lesson in not only letting go but also having faith that everything happens for a reason.

This past week I've also learned that though asking others for advice can be helpful, in the end only I am responsible to make my decisions. There is power in figuring out the solutions to your own problems alone. In the end if you can’t trust yourself then who can you trust?

Life is a Battlefield

I've been putting this blog post off a little bit as I found it difficult to write, especially since I think the photo pretty much says it all.

Lately I feel as though I've been battling myself. My head and my heart want two completely different things. I don’t know which to listen to. Constantly I go back and forth between them. It’s frustrating because I’m not one to flip flop on issues.

I use to be someone that really listened to my intuition. Lately however I feel like it’s on holiday. Nothing “feels” right anymore. I can’t seem to get a good read on anything! Without my intuition I feel lost and uncertain.

In light of my uncertainty I've been trying to celebrate the small victories. A few weeks ago I drew up a list of goals to complete before the New Year. I've already checked a few things off. I’m hoping this week will find another item crossed off. I’m trying to remind myself that every step I take and every decision made will have a positive influence on my future.

Let It Go

I feel like this portrait, while totally awesome, is a false representation of my current state of mind. This past week my assignment was to learn to let things go. I can not say that I succeeded.

The past two months especially have been filled with a plethora of pain, rejection, betrayal, anger, disappointment and heart ache. Every day I carry around these negative emotions. In theory, letting them go seems so simple. Why would anyone want to be weighed down by all those destructive thoughts and feelings? How can I ever move forward if I allow myself to remain tethered to the past by such negativity? Yet lately I seem to struggle to “let it go.” Perhaps I find some kind of security in it all. It would mean to let go of the things that I planned and dreamed for. To let go of the hurt that remains would truly signify the end of it all.

Part of the reason why I understand the importance of letting go is because there are moments where I have felt the amazing freedom in doing so. When I get lost in a creative project or when I’m playing a piece of music, the world drops away. In those moments I feel truly liberated and this portrait demonstrates the significance of that.

Letting it go is a lesson that will take me some time to learn but it’s one that I will continue to work at. 

Looking Ahead

The decision to move forward and leave behind what was comfortable was one of hardest I’ve ever made. Complacency had become my friend. I was so terrified of the unknown that I would have rather been miserable.

Last week I hit my rock bottom and found myself in a very dark place. I was lost, confused, heart-broken and without hope. Days were spent agonizing over decisions that had been made and thinking about what should or could have happened. It felt like I had reached my limit.

Then I realized that I literally had nothing to lose. There were no obligations tied to me anymore, I was truly free. It was with that small thought in my head that I slowly began to crawl out of that dark place. I keep telling myself that the hardest decisions had already been made, that the heart ache had already been felt.

I know the path ahead will be filled with potholes and detours. It will truly be a lesson on enjoying the journey along the way.

So it is with mixed emotions that I look ahead at what’s to come.

Self Discovery

Over the past year it seems as though I've lost myself.  My passion, creativity and confidence have all disappeared. I feel as though I no longer know who I am. I have started on a journey of self-discovery. As part of this journey I have decided to take a self-portrait once a week to capture where I am on my path. It will represent what I have (or haven’t) found out about myself that week and my thoughts and feelings on this process in general. I hope that in time I will not only rediscover myself but also my love and passion for photography.

So I’m officially taking this opportunity to say this red headed bitch is back with a vengeance!

Here is my first portrait, capturing the beginning of this journey. I won't lie, I'm terrified but I'm also curious and excited to see what the future will hold. 

Back In Time

Had a great weekend messing around with my new light. It's the perfect tool for creating some beautiful old hollywood glamour style photos. Here's just a little taste.